blindforlove | Prismatica Inbox

[Xiao Xingchen's brow is still furrowed from disbelief at what he hears when Xue Yang speaks about the two of them. Even if Xue Yang has told him why, it all still feels absurd. The one he hated so much, now feeling this way towards him... why would he come up with something so difficult to believe? How can he play something like this in a way that makes Xiao Xingchen listen still?

Then coldness suddenly envelops him, freezing him where he stands. All the air feels too thick to breathe.

For a brief moment, he lived his life without Xue Yang's shadow upon him, whether he could see it or not. Even if he died, unable to escape the man in their own world, he could live his own life here. With the beginnings of friendship with like-minded people, perhaps he could find what he was searching for in all his years of wandering.

How could he ever agree to return to that darkness?

Even if... their years together were truly not that dark. That nameless man's joking, care-free manner never failed to make him laugh. His existence was a balm to his loneliness, his pain, his shame--

Only a fool greater than himself would believe that Xue Yang would show true remorse or a desire to change. Being good isn't conditional like this. Still, what use would it be to tell him that? What matters most here is the unsaid suggestion that the man makes. Xiao Xingchen can't risk whatever consequences there might be. He knows how brutal Xue Yang is and how he cleans up the evidence to avoid the consequences. There's no way to handle this criminal in any conventional way.

He lowers his head, silent for a long time.]

... The people I live with now will worry about me.

[He wishes they didn't. Xiao Xingchen has been nothing but a curse upon anyone he's tried to help or care for-- all except one.]

I don't care.

[ Xue Yang snaps it immediately.

It's true, but considering he's trying to convince Xiao Xingchen, it probably wasn't a smart thing to say. He pauses for a moment to come up with something better. ]

It's Senior Wei and some others, isn't it? Daozhang, he's been worried since he first knew you arrived. After all, I've been here longer than you have. I'd run into several others who already knew our story. But this time you know who I am. Isn't that better than it was before? If I wanted to hurt you or kill you, I wouldn't have bothered with all of this first. I'd just do it.

[ ... Well, it's a better argument in his mind, at least. ]

[The dismissive response unsettles him into not responding at first, either.]

That isn't my concern.

[Even if, in some unknown way, Xue Yang killed him before. He does know that's true.]

It doesn't matter what happens to me. I only worried what you'd do with them, if they acted on that worry.

[He's felt this way for a long time, anyway. If it means others will be safe, there's no question at all what he should do. But it still hurts.]

I...

[Taking a moment, he steadies himself to face Xue Yang with more resolve. He still can't help as he sighs for himself.]

I'll go with you.

[ Xue Yang is at least thinking clearly enough to keep his mouth shut about the fact that he absolutely would have started making trouble for them if he'd only found out where they lived.

He stares at Xiao Xingchen for several seconds as if searching for something. Perhaps he's worried that not even Xiao Xingchen would be honest about something like this, but in the end, his grip on his wrist finally loosens. ]

Alright.

[ There's some measure of relief, but surprisingly, Xue Yang mostly feels numb. It takes him a moment to figure it out: the possessive and territorial emotions from Sanguis that had been fueling him, that had driven him to call Xiao Xingchen out here in the first place, are suddenly sated. He's won. Xiao Xingchen agreed to stay with him.

He's won. ]

... I can get the window fixed for you. I figured out how to do that. I think there's still plenty of rice, but many of the vegetables have gone bad so there might not be enough food for a proper meal.

[ The shift in tone is abrupt, but Xue Yang isn't sure what else to do. If he doesn't distract himself with something, he's pretty sure he's going to wind up grabbing Xiao Xingchen again. ]

But on the condition...

[Xiao Xingchen ignores all that Xue Yang goes on about, his hand quickly returning to his side. At least he should have a say in this arrangement, rather than only turning himself over to placate someone so dangerous. Even he isn't so foolish as to let this chance to make something good out of this situation.]

... that you do as I say.

[Whether that's too bold or not, that doesn't matter. If Xue Yang is truly so desperate to keep things the way they once were, he's free to argue the terms. Or perhaps he could Xiao Xingchen down where he stands. Either one as good as the other.]

[ Xue Yang freezes.

The words almost slip from his lips too easily. "Of course I will, daozhang." But he wants to avoid lying. If nothing else, he wants to avoid something he'd so readily break without a second thought.

He realizes he's reaching for Xiao Xingchen again and stops himself. ]

What do you have in mind?

[ His wariness comes through in his tone. ]

[Anything less that wariness would only raise Xiao Xingchen's doubt, anyway.]

It's not enough that you won't harm others or commit any crimes while I'm around. You must strive to do good. Help others, and improve the world.

[He knows that none of this would resonate with Xue Yang at all, and any attempt to fulfill these conditions would be only to keep Xiao Xingchen with him. Still, if that's it takes, then so be it. How will he know that Xue Yang is telling him the truth? Well, he'll figure that out later on.]

And if you go back to your old ways, then you will be nothing but my enemy once more.

[He will just have to do all in his power to stop him, devoting his life to only limiting the consequences of this act-- even if knows that Xue Yang will surely slip past him and get the upper hand, just as he always does.]

[ It doesn't resonate. It doesn't resonate at all. When the two of them were night-hunting together, that was one thing--he was helping Xiao Xingchen, not anyone else. Honestly, he hates the suggestion. And more than that, he hates that this is exactly the sort of thing he'd expect Xiao Xingchen to do.

He hates that he has to pit living with Xiao Xingchen again against his entire worldview.

It's hard to know which one of them has the upper hand here. ]

You know I don't understand people, daozhang. Are you willing to guide me that much? After all, I might think I'm helping someone when I'm really doing the opposite.

[ Though the faces have long since faded from his memory, Xue Yang recalls the tone of voice as a few men made fun of Xiao Xingchen's blindness. He recalls the satisfaction of cutting out their tongues, and of watching Xiao Xingchen get to take his own revenge by running them through with Shuanghua. He remembers how much Xiao Xingchen hated finding out that he'd been made to do such a thing. ]

[The words sting as more old memories resurface. Xiao Xingchen's own attempts to help have backfired terribly-- all due to the one standing in front of him. Still, he has also helped people in ways that didn't cause more harm. He's saved many people through his work, even if he'll never have the reach that a proper sect would have had. When it comes to doing good, and being kind-- it is never wrong to at least try.

But he'll only waste his breath by telling Xue Yang that.]

In that case, you'll make amends.

[Never can Xue Yang ever right all of his wrongs and Xiao Xingchen might never be free of his guilt, but if any good can come of this, then it's worth trying.]

You can even ask me, if you're unsure how to help. You just need to try.

[Whatever guidance Xue Yang needs - even if it's less guidance and more force - Xiao Xingchen will give. At the very least, he won't let himself be some idle prisoner for Xue Yang to do with as he pleases.]

Edited 2019-11-23 12:09 (UTC)

Amends.

[ From his tone, it's clear he doesn't believe it. To Xue Yang, there's no such thing as making amends. Once something has been done, there's no way to make up for it.

... And yet, isn't that what he's trying to do right now?

Xue Yang suddenly starts tightly pacing, just to keep himself distracted so that he doesn't go for Xiao Xingchen again. It reminds him of his new wings, which alter his balance slightly and make noise each time he turns, but he ignores them for now. He has more important things to care about than them.

He lets the struggle show on his face since Xiao Xingchen can't see, but the pacing might give him away anyway. He isn't happy with these conditions. And yet, he doesn't doubt that Xiao Xingchen is serious. That's the sort of person he is, after all. He already hates being associated with someone so evil; there's no way he'd simply allow him to do as he pleases. If Xue Yang doesn't agree with this, he'll probably lose his chance with Xiao Xingchen for good. He won't be able to trick him into living together a second time.

If this arrangement becomes too annoying, he can always go back on his word. ]

Fine. [ He spits the word with a little more anger than he meant, and pauses to reign his voice back in. ] I'll try.

[The sound of Xue Yang pacing angrily unsettles Xiao Xingchen even more, but at the same time, it's almost reassuring. The feeling isn't born from spite, just the sense that at least Xue Yang isn't acting right now. Perhaps the man would think that acting more composed about this matter would be more convincing-- that's far from the truth.

At the answer, Xiao Xingchen lowers his head again.]

Then... if that's all you called me over for, I am going to retire to bed.

[He spent their conversation straining against his Moonblessing’s compulsion to take the man in front of him into his arms again. Knowing who the man is at least made it easier to hold himself back. Still, even he can't keep it up for long, and he needs to conserve his quickly-depleting chroma. The best option is to sleep and rest as much as he can until the moon phase ends. He knows that the matter of their new arrangement will steal sleep from him, but he needs to try if he doesn't want to rely on Xue Yang for moonlacing all of the time. He'd prefer they touch as rarely as possible.

Turning away, he needs no help in finding his old bedroom.]

[ Xue Yang watches as Xiao Xingchen walks through the doorway to his room, and suddenly the familiar feeling of Sanguis possessiveness surges through him again. ]

... Daozhang.

[ He calls out to Xiao Xingchen, but before Xiao Xingchen can actually answer, he darts forward to grab his wrist. It's not to stop him this time.

The motion feels awkward for a moment, and it takes Xue Yang several seconds to realize why. He spent so long developing the habit of keeping his left hand away from Xiao Xingchen, but just now he reached out for him with it. He's still wearing his gloves with the false finger in them, but if Xiao Xingchen actually bothers to focus on the feeling, he'll probably be able to tell. ]

I'll go with you.

[Though Xiao Xingchen wants to pull his hand away again, the warmth of a source of Chroma - regardless of who it's from - stops him. Incensed at Xue Yang touching him again and addressing him that way, as well as his own moonblessing, his hand tightens into a fist as he forces himself to breathe evenly again.

But the pause does let him notice that this isn't the hand that usually reached out to him. He can tell this the left hand from where the fingers are, with one feeling different from the rest. Perhaps it shouldn't be a surprise that someone can keep an act going for so long and keep him from ever realizing-- why would he pay attention to the other hand? Such a small detail, and yet it would have ended the charade if he so much as accidentally brushed his hand against this one as they prepared dinner...]

Why? Suddenly tired as well?

[His voice is lower and harsher than the way he used it to invite his nameless friend to huddle close to him, when Sanguis or Cordis shone full in the sky.]

I am. We've both had a long day.

[ His tone is coaxing, similar to tones he'd use before. He moves closer, enough that he's slightly pressed against Xiao Xingchen's arm. ]

The window isn't fixed yet, so I don't want to sleep out there where it's colder. Especially when I'm like this. You probably haven't been doing as much moonlacing as before either, have you? This way is better for both of us.

[Xiao Xingchen takes his arm away and continues on towards the bed without a word. It's simple enough to understand that Xue Yang would like to be indulged a little for agreeing to this arrangement between them. The both of them must believe that they're making such great sacrifices, but running out of Chroma almost sounds preferable to letting Xue Yang into his bed again.

Pulling off his boots, he then takes the hair pin out of his topknot and sets it aside, too harried and irritated to give as much attention to the motions as he usually would.

Then he lies down on the bed, near the edge of it with his face near the wall. Surely it must look like a petulant act, unbecoming of a cultivator like himself, and sleeping on his side is more difficult with the wings. He just can't find it in him to care as much when he's dealing with this man.

Of course, Shuanghua stays with him on this side of the bed.]

[ Xue Yang doesn't miss the fact that Xiao Xingchen is purposely making it harder for him. But he didn't tell him no, so Xue Yang isn't disobeying him by getting into bed with him. His reasons might have been excuses, but that doesn't mean they weren't also true.

This is Xue Yang's first time trying to sleep with wings, but he's watched Xiao Xingchen do it enough times that he knows that being on one's side isn't the preferred option. Despite the attempt to deter him, he strips off his own boots, unties his hair, and crawls onto the bed behind Xiao Xingchen. He carefully tucks those feathery wings in as close as he can to Xiao Xingchen's body so he can curl up behind him. Xue Yang can't get in close enough that he's pressed directly against Xiao Xingchen's back, so instead he rests his head on one of those wings and threads his fingers through the feathers.

It's enough for moonlacing. And there was no guarantee that Xiao Xingchen would have stayed at all.

His own wings splay out awkwardly on the bed behind him, and for the first time ever, Xue Yang lets himself actually fall asleep while keeping contact with Xiao Xingchen. ]

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