blindforlove | Prismatica Inbox

[ Xue Yang doesn't answer the first question. He doesn't know how to answer the first question, because it's too complicated to answer. It's moonblessings and it's selfishness and it's memories of a corpse preserved perfectly for eight years. It's wanting to go back to what they had; it's wishing that no one else was around to separate them or expose the secret that Xue Yang had confessed himself this time before someone else could.

So the second question is what he focuses on.

Maybe he hadn't thought about it, hadn't considered what Xiao Xingchen might think if he actually touched Xue Yang's skin and felt that there were no clothes in the way. Maybe he'd thought about it and hadn't cared. ]

I'm not. [ His voice is back to normal, and though there's still some emotion in his tone, it's significantly more under control than it was a moment ago. ] I just don't have any tops that I can wear with wings.

[ It takes a couple seconds, but he manages to move them enough to make some noise as the leathery skin spread between the spines rubs against itself.

In some ways, this is a lot like the day when Xiao Xingchen first grew wings of his own. Except Xue Yang has no issues with going topless, aside from the cold temperatures made worse by the reptilian slant of his moonblessing. Everything is so different, and yet somehow things are still very much similar.

For a moment, Xiao Xingchen wasn't rejecting him. He clings to that, the same way he clings to Xiao Xingchen himself. ]

[Wings? Xue Yang now has wings as well? These moonblessings apparently change from cycle to cycle for some, but he's had the same wings he can't make any use of since he arrived. Xue Yang was a snake - all too apropos - but now he's become some sort of winged, scaled creature. What could he be turning into?

Still, none of that should matter. All he knows is that it'll make him even more dangerous.]

I doubt you went through all this trouble to ask to borrow one of mine!

[With one hand against Xue Yang's shoulder, Xiao Xingchen grabs onto one arm gripping tight around him and tries to pry it off. It can only be the moonblessing that keeps him from fighting tooth and nail to free himself. Someone like Xue Yang deserves to be cut down where he stands, unworthy of any human courtesy-- he'd surely not extend the same back, anyway. He'll toy with his prey and play all kinds of games, and he knows who his favorite plaything is. Yet Xiao Xingchen stays his hand every time Xue Yang has more to answer for.

Still, if Xue Yang still doesn't let go, he won't stop at just trying to push him away.]

Now unhand me!

[ With sight, it would probably be easier to tell that Xue Yang is some sort of hybrid at the moment. The scales on the wings and some small patches on his body are tinted slightly blue, and much shinier than the black covering most of his skin. But the snake influence is still strong enough that there's no tactile difference beyond partway down his wings.

The struggle arouses Xue Yang's anger and his fear. If he lets go now, Xiao Xingchen will disappear again, and he can't... ]

No!

[ He snaps loudly in response, Sanguis strength allowing him to resist Xiao Xingchen's efforts to free himself. Xue Yang wants to coil himself around him, squeeze him tightly and never let him free, bite his neck and hold him until he stops struggling. It makes him tighten his grip. Xiao Xingchen's neck is right by his face, so he opens his mouth wide, exposing a pair of elongated fangs, leans forward to bite--

Suddenly the image of Shuanghua flashes through his mind. The image that haunted his nightmares for so long, of the sword sinking into the delicate flesh of Xiao Xingchen's neck. The exact same spot he's about to sink fangs into.

Xue Yang gives a sharp yell and abruptly pulls back, shoving Xiao Xingchen away from him a little. He can feel his heart pounding and hear it in his ears, so loud that it's as if it might burst. Part of him wants to wonder what he'd almost just done, but he can't even do that--deep down he knows exactly what he'd almost just done.

For the first time, he let Sanguis's influence push him farther than he was alright with. ]

Don't disappear again! Xiao Xingchen!

[ His voice is a mess of emotions once more. Xue Yang is certain, if nothing else, he can't handle Xiao Xingchen disappearing again. ]

[Twisting and turning himself to wrench himself out of the grip, Xiao Xingchen doesn't realize what Xue Yang has nearly done. When he's shoved away, he only stands there in shock, only more confused. What just happened? Is it the moonblessing making Xue Yang act like this?

But then that voice throws all of his resolve in disarray.]

"Don't disappear"...?

[At first, he repeats it, as if he really did hear wrong. He only wanted to figure out Xue Yang's next move would be, in case he truly did intend to threaten someone else. But this man is the specter who has haunted all of his sleepless nights, taunting him for all his failures and for every trick he's fallen for, emptying everything else out of his heart and filling it with despair. After what he's learned, he bit back every wish to scream and cry out for himself and his terrible luck.

How could he pretend that he didn't have more to say? Maybe Xue Yang will have a laugh about it later, but he can't hold it all back like this.]

"Don't disappear"? [A light, disbelieving laugh and a shake of the head.] How could you, of all people, say this to me? Whose fault was it before? Because I know everything about what happened!

[Perhaps not truly everything. Still, he knows enough-- he needed no more details. Xue Yang is somehow responsible for his death, even if he somehow didn't deal the final blow himself. There's many ways that that's possible, especially with such a terribly creative man. Shaking as he speaks, his voice rises in volume.]

Our story together is really quite famous. No matter how far away I ran, even until my death, my fate had to be mixed up with yours! But perhaps you did a favor for me, because disappearing must be the only way to escape you!

[ The words pierce him through worse than any sword.

"Whose fault was it before?"

"Perhaps you did a favor for me!"

"Disappearing must be the only way to escape you!"

He understands now.

For once in his life, he understands.

This must be what it felt like for Xiao Xingchen when Xue Yang stood gloating over him, digging into every scar he knew of in his anger. Xiao Xingchen has many failures that he could exploit, but Xue Yang just has the one. Nothing in his life hurt like the realization that Xiao Xingchen's soul had shattered, and he wasn't coming back. Nothing since he had lost any faith in the kindness of the world at age seven. ]

Can I admit that I made a mistake? If you won't believe anything else I say, will you at least believe that for once I'm admitting that I made a mistake?

No, you won't, will you? I'm Xue Yang, after all. I lie and I manipulate. Who would believe that living with you changed me at all? I don't change, I can't change! Every single day that passed was only an act, because that's how I am! If you believe me, it's only because I'm taking advantage of your kindness again! It's only so I can turn around and hurt you again!

[ He's not even hearing the words coming out of his mouth anymore. He shouldn't have reached out to Xiao Xingchen today. ]

[Xiao Xingchen pauses for a moment, too taken aback from this outburst. These kinds of emotions in his old archenemy? He never believed they could exist, whether in his truest self or even his best act.

Xue Yang has certainly gotten better at this.]

... Do you believe that I'll feel guilt if I don't give you a chance, by saying this? As if I am mistreating you?

[That thought dwells in his mind before it fully sinks in. Then he can only laugh. It's like his usual soft laugh, but without any mirth-- like something on the edge of sobbing before he soon stifles it, not about to lose his composure in front of Xue Yang again.

Some part of him almost wants to believe that Xue Yang regrets it. Oh, if he got the heartless Xue Yang to truly regret something in his life of wanton cruelty, perhaps his life wasn't all in vain. Is it that the man has truly grown attached to him, craving his affection this much? The thought makes his skin crawl... yet also sends a pang of sadness through him.

Well, as long as Xue Yang keeps insisting on this, Xiao Xingchen has more to ask. Even if he still can't believe it, he still has to have some answer.]

Why is it so important that it's me? There's so many people who would treat you just as kind, as long as you were the same in turn. If the years have truly changed you... it should not be so difficult.

[He should know by now that Xue Yang cannot be expected to think like anyone else. That man is completely incomprehensible, someone that others will only waste their time to try understanding. But that he's so adamant on it being Xiao Xingchen makes him suspect that it's all a part of Xue Yang's game.]

It has to be you. It always was only you, daozhang--Xiao Xingchen. You...

[ Xue Yang can't hold back any longer, and he takes a couple steps forward and grabs Xiao Xingchen's wrist. It's a compromise with himself, so that he doesn't grab his whole body again.

His moonblessing is urging him on and he's trying to put into words something that he's never really thought about before. It's taking a lot to keep himself from having another outburst, and he can feel the threat of it looming with each passing moment. ]

You were different from everyone else from the very beginning. You didn't... you weren't like the rest of them. You didn't have the same corruption that everyone else did. You didn't reject me right away.

[ Not when knowing he was keeping secrets when they were living together in a coffin home. And not back when they met each other for the very first time.

Maybe what he'd been seeking the whole time was that there was still someone good in this world that had so thoroughly tainted him, that he only knew how to lash back out at in return. ]

[The answer reminds Xiao Xingchen of the story of that child. Whether he’s acting or not, it makes sense to assume that Xue Yang formed his feelings of humanity early on. From his experience, he believed that people are cruel, self-interested liars, so just an insult had been enough reason for him to harm as many as he wished. It didn't matter because he believed that all people were already rotten to the core-- all except one, now.

When they both first met at Koi Tower, he also remembers the rowdy guest disciple of the Jin sect. He still could have changed his ways back then. If Xue Yang had better guidance - from those who weren’t cruel and self-interested liars - so much tragedy could have been avoided.

It’s far more difficult to believe anything can change him now.]

I'm really not so special. There's plenty more good in the world than you think. It's there even in the cold, the judgmental-- yes, even in those who've done terrible things.

[Though Xiao Xingchen knows that he’s suddenly outmatched in strength, he has to at least try to pull his arm away.]

But forgive me if I find it all a little difficult to believe you when all you can offer is your word. You've lied to me for years, so how can I trust that now?

[ Xue Yang doesn't let go. He's too afraid of what might happen if he does... what Xiao Xingchen might do, or what he might do. His grip tightens, loosening only slightly a moment later when he realizes there's a chance he could break Xiao Xingchen's wrist. ]

I told you the truth. I could have found an excuse, and you'd have believed it. We'd still be living together, the same as before.

[ His throat tightens slightly with the last line. ]

What chance would I have had if I hadn't lied in the first place? At least now it's been years. I lived with you and helped you for years, daozhang. What more could I do?

[The grip does make Xiao Xingchen's features scrunch up in pain, pressing his lips together tightly to suppress a hiss of pain. But when it loosens, he doesn't try to pull away again.

With more of Xue Yang's words, an idea starts to take form in his mind.]

You could act a certain way with me, but I can't believe you if that's where it ends.

[It may only invite more disaster to even entertain the idea that Xue Yang is even trying to be honest here. But if he insists on this act, Xue Yang might find it fair game to unleash his wrath on others yet again, laying the blame at Xiao Xingchen's feet if he doesn't play along. He can't risk it-- he has to start to making his own moves in this game, rather than only react to whatever new calamity Xue Yang will bring in their ever-entwined fates.

At the least, he could stop Xue Yang stop this already. It might even be a relief to hear his smug, saccharine laugh as he admits to making a joke right now.

He sighs. People like Xue Yang make acting feel so easy, but he's not used to it.]

If you have changed your way in how you act with others too, then...

... Others.

[ He repeats the word, and it's clear from his tone that he isn't exactly happy with the idea. And yet, isn't this exactly what Wei Wuxian said would happen? Xiao Xingchen is too altruistic to want to be an exception.

He'd been nice to A-Qing, and where did that end up? She'd also lied the whole time. Whatever she'd told Xiao Xingchen had destroyed their peaceful lives. In the end, Xue Yang had killed her too. ]

We don't need others. It's better if it's just the two of us-- [ But how much is him saying that, and how much is Sanguis? Xue Yang hasn't bothered considering questions like that since he adjusted to the fact that his moonblessing makes him feel like his demonic cultivation is starting to lose control, in a world where he can't use his demonic cultivation almost at all.

He shifts his grip on Xiao Xingchen's wrist slightly. ]

If you want me to be better around others, you have to stay.

[ Maybe it's so Xue Yang can trick himself for once. If he thinks he's risking losing Xiao Xingchen, maybe that will stop him from acting out without thinking. Xiao Xingchen is certainly a good example to follow, even if Xue Yang is only imitating his actions on the surface. And undoubtedly, Xue Yang is just a little bit less likely to toe the line, or completely ignore it, when Xiao Xingchen is around. ]

[Xiao Xingchen's brow is still furrowed from disbelief at what he hears when Xue Yang speaks about the two of them. Even if Xue Yang has told him why, it all still feels absurd. The one he hated so much, now feeling this way towards him... why would he come up with something so difficult to believe? How can he play something like this in a way that makes Xiao Xingchen listen still?

Then coldness suddenly envelops him, freezing him where he stands. All the air feels too thick to breathe.

For a brief moment, he lived his life without Xue Yang's shadow upon him, whether he could see it or not. Even if he died, unable to escape the man in their own world, he could live his own life here. With the beginnings of friendship with like-minded people, perhaps he could find what he was searching for in all his years of wandering.

How could he ever agree to return to that darkness?

Even if... their years together were truly not that dark. That nameless man's joking, care-free manner never failed to make him laugh. His existence was a balm to his loneliness, his pain, his shame--

Only a fool greater than himself would believe that Xue Yang would show true remorse or a desire to change. Being good isn't conditional like this. Still, what use would it be to tell him that? What matters most here is the unsaid suggestion that the man makes. Xiao Xingchen can't risk whatever consequences there might be. He knows how brutal Xue Yang is and how he cleans up the evidence to avoid the consequences. There's no way to handle this criminal in any conventional way.

He lowers his head, silent for a long time.]

... The people I live with now will worry about me.

[He wishes they didn't. Xiao Xingchen has been nothing but a curse upon anyone he's tried to help or care for-- all except one.]

I don't care.

[ Xue Yang snaps it immediately.

It's true, but considering he's trying to convince Xiao Xingchen, it probably wasn't a smart thing to say. He pauses for a moment to come up with something better. ]

It's Senior Wei and some others, isn't it? Daozhang, he's been worried since he first knew you arrived. After all, I've been here longer than you have. I'd run into several others who already knew our story. But this time you know who I am. Isn't that better than it was before? If I wanted to hurt you or kill you, I wouldn't have bothered with all of this first. I'd just do it.

[ ... Well, it's a better argument in his mind, at least. ]

[The dismissive response unsettles him into not responding at first, either.]

That isn't my concern.

[Even if, in some unknown way, Xue Yang killed him before. He does know that's true.]

It doesn't matter what happens to me. I only worried what you'd do with them, if they acted on that worry.

[He's felt this way for a long time, anyway. If it means others will be safe, there's no question at all what he should do. But it still hurts.]

I...

[Taking a moment, he steadies himself to face Xue Yang with more resolve. He still can't help as he sighs for himself.]

I'll go with you.

[ Xue Yang is at least thinking clearly enough to keep his mouth shut about the fact that he absolutely would have started making trouble for them if he'd only found out where they lived.

He stares at Xiao Xingchen for several seconds as if searching for something. Perhaps he's worried that not even Xiao Xingchen would be honest about something like this, but in the end, his grip on his wrist finally loosens. ]

Alright.

[ There's some measure of relief, but surprisingly, Xue Yang mostly feels numb. It takes him a moment to figure it out: the possessive and territorial emotions from Sanguis that had been fueling him, that had driven him to call Xiao Xingchen out here in the first place, are suddenly sated. He's won. Xiao Xingchen agreed to stay with him.

He's won. ]

... I can get the window fixed for you. I figured out how to do that. I think there's still plenty of rice, but many of the vegetables have gone bad so there might not be enough food for a proper meal.

[ The shift in tone is abrupt, but Xue Yang isn't sure what else to do. If he doesn't distract himself with something, he's pretty sure he's going to wind up grabbing Xiao Xingchen again. ]

But on the condition...

[Xiao Xingchen ignores all that Xue Yang goes on about, his hand quickly returning to his side. At least he should have a say in this arrangement, rather than only turning himself over to placate someone so dangerous. Even he isn't so foolish as to let this chance to make something good out of this situation.]

... that you do as I say.

[Whether that's too bold or not, that doesn't matter. If Xue Yang is truly so desperate to keep things the way they once were, he's free to argue the terms. Or perhaps he could Xiao Xingchen down where he stands. Either one as good as the other.]

[ Xue Yang freezes.

The words almost slip from his lips too easily. "Of course I will, daozhang." But he wants to avoid lying. If nothing else, he wants to avoid something he'd so readily break without a second thought.

He realizes he's reaching for Xiao Xingchen again and stops himself. ]

What do you have in mind?

[ His wariness comes through in his tone. ]

[Anything less that wariness would only raise Xiao Xingchen's doubt, anyway.]

It's not enough that you won't harm others or commit any crimes while I'm around. You must strive to do good. Help others, and improve the world.

[He knows that none of this would resonate with Xue Yang at all, and any attempt to fulfill these conditions would be only to keep Xiao Xingchen with him. Still, if that's it takes, then so be it. How will he know that Xue Yang is telling him the truth? Well, he'll figure that out later on.]

And if you go back to your old ways, then you will be nothing but my enemy once more.

[He will just have to do all in his power to stop him, devoting his life to only limiting the consequences of this act-- even if knows that Xue Yang will surely slip past him and get the upper hand, just as he always does.]

[ It doesn't resonate. It doesn't resonate at all. When the two of them were night-hunting together, that was one thing--he was helping Xiao Xingchen, not anyone else. Honestly, he hates the suggestion. And more than that, he hates that this is exactly the sort of thing he'd expect Xiao Xingchen to do.

He hates that he has to pit living with Xiao Xingchen again against his entire worldview.

It's hard to know which one of them has the upper hand here. ]

You know I don't understand people, daozhang. Are you willing to guide me that much? After all, I might think I'm helping someone when I'm really doing the opposite.

[ Though the faces have long since faded from his memory, Xue Yang recalls the tone of voice as a few men made fun of Xiao Xingchen's blindness. He recalls the satisfaction of cutting out their tongues, and of watching Xiao Xingchen get to take his own revenge by running them through with Shuanghua. He remembers how much Xiao Xingchen hated finding out that he'd been made to do such a thing. ]

[The words sting as more old memories resurface. Xiao Xingchen's own attempts to help have backfired terribly-- all due to the one standing in front of him. Still, he has also helped people in ways that didn't cause more harm. He's saved many people through his work, even if he'll never have the reach that a proper sect would have had. When it comes to doing good, and being kind-- it is never wrong to at least try.

But he'll only waste his breath by telling Xue Yang that.]

In that case, you'll make amends.

[Never can Xue Yang ever right all of his wrongs and Xiao Xingchen might never be free of his guilt, but if any good can come of this, then it's worth trying.]

You can even ask me, if you're unsure how to help. You just need to try.

[Whatever guidance Xue Yang needs - even if it's less guidance and more force - Xiao Xingchen will give. At the very least, he won't let himself be some idle prisoner for Xue Yang to do with as he pleases.]

Edited 2019-11-23 12:09 (UTC)

Amends.

[ From his tone, it's clear he doesn't believe it. To Xue Yang, there's no such thing as making amends. Once something has been done, there's no way to make up for it.

... And yet, isn't that what he's trying to do right now?

Xue Yang suddenly starts tightly pacing, just to keep himself distracted so that he doesn't go for Xiao Xingchen again. It reminds him of his new wings, which alter his balance slightly and make noise each time he turns, but he ignores them for now. He has more important things to care about than them.

He lets the struggle show on his face since Xiao Xingchen can't see, but the pacing might give him away anyway. He isn't happy with these conditions. And yet, he doesn't doubt that Xiao Xingchen is serious. That's the sort of person he is, after all. He already hates being associated with someone so evil; there's no way he'd simply allow him to do as he pleases. If Xue Yang doesn't agree with this, he'll probably lose his chance with Xiao Xingchen for good. He won't be able to trick him into living together a second time.

If this arrangement becomes too annoying, he can always go back on his word. ]

Fine. [ He spits the word with a little more anger than he meant, and pauses to reign his voice back in. ] I'll try.

[The sound of Xue Yang pacing angrily unsettles Xiao Xingchen even more, but at the same time, it's almost reassuring. The feeling isn't born from spite, just the sense that at least Xue Yang isn't acting right now. Perhaps the man would think that acting more composed about this matter would be more convincing-- that's far from the truth.

At the answer, Xiao Xingchen lowers his head again.]

Then... if that's all you called me over for, I am going to retire to bed.

[He spent their conversation straining against his Moonblessing’s compulsion to take the man in front of him into his arms again. Knowing who the man is at least made it easier to hold himself back. Still, even he can't keep it up for long, and he needs to conserve his quickly-depleting chroma. The best option is to sleep and rest as much as he can until the moon phase ends. He knows that the matter of their new arrangement will steal sleep from him, but he needs to try if he doesn't want to rely on Xue Yang for moonlacing all of the time. He'd prefer they touch as rarely as possible.

Turning away, he needs no help in finding his old bedroom.]

[ Xue Yang watches as Xiao Xingchen walks through the doorway to his room, and suddenly the familiar feeling of Sanguis possessiveness surges through him again. ]

... Daozhang.

[ He calls out to Xiao Xingchen, but before Xiao Xingchen can actually answer, he darts forward to grab his wrist. It's not to stop him this time.

The motion feels awkward for a moment, and it takes Xue Yang several seconds to realize why. He spent so long developing the habit of keeping his left hand away from Xiao Xingchen, but just now he reached out for him with it. He's still wearing his gloves with the false finger in them, but if Xiao Xingchen actually bothers to focus on the feeling, he'll probably be able to tell. ]

I'll go with you.

[Though Xiao Xingchen wants to pull his hand away again, the warmth of a source of Chroma - regardless of who it's from - stops him. Incensed at Xue Yang touching him again and addressing him that way, as well as his own moonblessing, his hand tightens into a fist as he forces himself to breathe evenly again.

But the pause does let him notice that this isn't the hand that usually reached out to him. He can tell this the left hand from where the fingers are, with one feeling different from the rest. Perhaps it shouldn't be a surprise that someone can keep an act going for so long and keep him from ever realizing-- why would he pay attention to the other hand? Such a small detail, and yet it would have ended the charade if he so much as accidentally brushed his hand against this one as they prepared dinner...]

Why? Suddenly tired as well?

[His voice is lower and harsher than the way he used it to invite his nameless friend to huddle close to him, when Sanguis or Cordis shone full in the sky.]

I am. We've both had a long day.

[ His tone is coaxing, similar to tones he'd use before. He moves closer, enough that he's slightly pressed against Xiao Xingchen's arm. ]

The window isn't fixed yet, so I don't want to sleep out there where it's colder. Especially when I'm like this. You probably haven't been doing as much moonlacing as before either, have you? This way is better for both of us.

(no subject)

blindforlove - 2019-11-25 04:19 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

noneforyou - 2019-11-25 04:45 (UTC) - Expand